Grizzlies 92, Timberwolves 77: Hand dryers are the worst

Zach Harper —  March 20, 2013 — 6 Comments

HandDryers

I generally hate using hand dryers.

Whenever you hit the button or you turn it on using some Jedi-type stuff, if you’re not seeing ripples in your skin then the blow dryer isn’t going to be good enough to dry your hands in a reasonable amount of time. A hand dryer like the one you see above is terrible at doing its job. The air is lukewarm at best and it’s definitely not going to give enough force to move beads of water away from your skin. Push the button; it’s going to last for about four seconds. There is just nothing efficient or effective about a hand dryer like this. 

The only thing that I cringe seeing more than this hand dryer near the sink and soap is the reusable band of cloth with the weird blue streaks. I’m sure there are many things about this device that I don’t understand, and I don’t really care to research. The blue streaks make it look dingy and infected. I feel like I’m walking into a tuberculosis party and my immune system didn’t get on the list. It’s also always damp, but it doesn’t feel like a dampness of prior use. There’s a moldy quality to the rag that reminds me of any movie set in medieval times (the time period, not the restaurant). In those movies, you always see people just living in the rain, praying a roof of hay will keep them dry.

Does the rag get cleansed in anyway? Is there disinfectant inside the box? Is there any chance typhoid isn’t coming at you whenever you attempt to pull the cloth toward you, hoping for a clean, dry stretch of textile that will absorb the moisture from your hands? Nobody could ever know what the answer to those questions are. Those boxes are installed, inspected, and then left for dead. You’re much better off air-drying your hands and avoiding whatever mutated bacteria resides on that rag.

Where it’s at in the hand drying, public restroom world is the newer models in which you insert your hands into a Hans Solo molding cast (ah crap, two Star Wars references and I don’t even really like the movies) at a downward angle. As your fingertips hit the sensor, it immediately begins hitting your skin from all sides. You move your hands down until it dries the bottom of your palms and then you pull them out of the area. It doesn’t take more than three or four seconds and your hands are usually 90% dry (rough estimate) at worst. It would behoove establishments to find room for this kind of hand dryer in their restrooms to ensure that people are comfortable leaving the bathroom without having wet or clammy digits.

But I understand that those probably cost money and people in business like to save money. If I can’t have the surrounding air vacuum-type machine, I’d much rather just opt for a paper towel. Is it the best for the environment? No. Do you have to continue to stock towels in the dispenser, order paper towels, and probably find recycled paper towels so you can pretend to fend off the hippies claiming you’re murdering the forests and Narnia? Probably.

It’s just that the alternative is a subpar product and a system that doesn’t actually ever get the job done. Sometimes we just want to dry our hands and not have to think about it as we leave the restroom. Instead of spending an inordinate amount of time at the machine or the rag of avian flu, we attempt to brush it off to our fellow bathroom patrons that it doesn’t bother us if our hands are dry. Hell, half the guys that walked in there didn’t even wash their hands!

Really though, we do care. We want to act cool and pretend to be unaffected, but we can find other ways to exude the confidence and swagger we fein with such hand-drying exploits. We could always put a toothpick behind our ear or elbow a jukebox to get a song playing, or turn a chair around at a table and sit down in it like we’re A.C. Slater.

If you’re a small business owner or the owner of a vast chain of places with public restrooms, I ask that you spend the money on the proper equipment or throw caution to the wind that is the environment and at least let me shoot hoops at the garbage can or throw a sweet behind-the-back toss to the opening of the waste receptacle as I cooly walk out the door.

Is there a way to tie this entire spiel about hand dryers to the Timberwolves? I’m sure there is in some way. Maybe Kevin Love is the paper towels and Ricky Rubio is the new and improved air drying system. Darko was probably the typhoid cloth and Michael Beasley was definitely the pictured device above. But this was just another loss to one of the top teams in the league with the second best defense in the NBA that just put the screws to the Wolves in the third quarter to put the game out of reach.

Let’s just hope that Ricky Rubio is okay and that he got a mohawk this afternoon.

Because that would really be cool.

Zach Harper

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6 responses to Grizzlies 92, Timberwolves 77: Hand dryers are the worst

  1. This was much better than reading a recap of that crappy game.

    To answer your question about the cloth towels, they get changed out and washed. I like them much better than paper towels or air dryers.

  2. Am I a monster for just wiping my hands on my pants? It doesn’t work with dress pants but is okay for jeans.

  3. Some of us don’t bother to use the dryers or towels. In fact, some of us don’t even bother to wash our hands or pee or ourselves.

  4. They did a feature here in Japan that showed that airborne bacteria multiplies rapidly on damp skin and so your hands will be much dirtier (from a germ perspective) if you wash your hands and then not fully dry them, then if you had simply not bothered to wash your hands after using the bathroom. They suggested with small children in particular, although it seems counterintuitive you will keep them healthier if you don’t wash their hands than if you wash them and then do a half-assed job drying them (obviously the show didn’t recommend not doing anything, they suggested carrying those alcohol-based hand sanitizers at all times and using that). I don’t know too many people who bother to dry their hands fully using those air dryers, so they pretty much are vectors for infection . . . I guess they are better for the environment but the claim they are more sanitary than paper towels is an out-and-out lie.

  5. Heh, because Michael Beasley blew.

  6. Push button, receive bacon

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