Wolves 124, Some Schmucks From Oakland 117: Trash Talk

kat new

I typically try to recap games from detached, but hopefully not disinterested, point of view. Whether it’s a win or a loss (yeah, you’re right, it’s usually a loss) I look for something to praise, something to critique, and a way to tie whatever happened on that given night to larger trends or the “Big Picture.” Steve McPherson mentioned this in a Wolves Wired podcast recently – when you follow and write about a team on a regular basis, it sort of becomes like a job (even if you aren’t getting paid, or are being paid very little). The “fan” part of you shrinks.

Well, when the scrappy, young bunch you follow on a daily basis takes the 69-8 defending World Champions into the fourth quarter in a close game, and then to the final minute, and then into overtime, and then WINS THE DAMN THING, the “fan” comes back. Makes you a little emotionally invested. Makes you a little snarky. Makes you jump up and down and holler at men on a screen playing a game where they try to put a ball through a hoop, which is irrational and silly, but there you are. It makes you smile. It makes you laugh.

It makes you want to talk some trash.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

FIRST OF ALL, ya bum ass Steph Curry, how did it feel trying to score over a 7-footer with terrific athleticism, coordination and footwork? You know, the guy who’s coming for your mantle as the best player in the game? How’d it feel? Did it feel like failure? Looks an awful lot like failure – let’s check the tape:

I’m not a doctor, but I can diagnose failure when I see it, and that’s some failure right there, just like your trash-ass shoe and your first half box score. Two points on 0-for-8 shooting? MVP, my ass. Sit down, ya square.

Draymond Green – remember this awful commercial you starred in during last year’s playoffs?

Listen, fella, I’ve been meaning to tell you this ever since I saw that garbage spot  – we get why “you’re so arrogant,” you’re really freaking good, but hot damn, internalize your doubters’ barbs like an adult. Strut and talk trash on the floor all you want – that’s all part of the sport’s bravado – but don’t make a commercial where you paint the media as the bad guy. People don’t like you because you’re an asshole. You’re really good at being an asshole. Every great team needs an asshole. Stop pretending you’re a tortured good guy and just own it, ya weirdo. Anyhow, way to foul out with 2:34 to go in OT, that was clutch.

Speaking of Spartans who weren’t around until the end, Tom Izzo was at the game.

Crying Jordan

Klay Thompson, your facial hair is trash, and this is coming from someone whose facial hair is trash. You can’t do it. It’s just not in the cards for all of us.

Steve Kerr, 1999 Aaron Carter called, he wants his hair back.

steve kerr

I know the 1990s were great to you, when you rode the coattails of others to greatness, and I know the 2010s are shaping up to be much the same, but your insane fortune is the only link. The hair style needs to change, bub.

I have nothing to say to you, Andrew Bogut. You legitimately scare me.

Harrison Barnes, a.k.a. The Guy Who Gets Replaced by Brandon Rush’s Washed-Up Ass Sometimes and No One Really Notices Because They’re the Same Player Anyway, you had the quietest 20 point game I’ve ever seen. Two points in the second half, when the team really needed you? Frontrunner, much?


Yeah, guys, the Wolves, the best young team with the most outstanding young core in the league, kicked your asses around your own damn building. You were up 15 early in the first quarter; you hadn’t blown a 15-point lead in 144 consecutive games. You’ve now lost two of three at Oracle, one to the Celtics without their best player and one to the Wolves, who have the same collective age as Anderson Varejao alone. Favored by 15.5 points, and you blew it. Best team since MJ’s Bulls? Please. Favorite in the West? Get outta here.

Y’all enjoy your little run at the top, because what happened tonight was a changing of the guard. Wolves gonna be waiting for you in next year’s playoffs, and since they already showed they own you on your home floor, good luck trying to win 4 of 7 from them.

I mean, 20-12-4 and 2 blocks for Towns, with some monster plays down the stretch? 30-5-4 and 6 steals for Wiggins, including some HUGE buckets and boards in the final two minutes of overtime? 35 points, 6 rebounds and a plus-29 rating for Shabazz Muhammad? 16 points for Zach LaVine? 7 points and 5 assists for Tyus Jones, who was instrumental in the Wolves’ fight to get the game close again late in the third and early in the 4th? The oldest person I just mentioned is Shabazz, and he’s 23.

So, rest easy, Warriors. Lucky for you, the Wolves won’t show up on your schedule again… until next season.

Ya bums.

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12 thoughts on “Wolves 124, Some Schmucks From Oakland 117: Trash Talk

  1. You guys should always do two write-ups. One as a professional sports writer, and one as a snarky trash talking fan. Would make for great fun.

  2. This may be my favorite article you have written yet, and I have loved so many of your articles. I am glad I was not the only one a little overly hyped up after this win.

  3. Proud of the guys. Great illustration of the talent we have. Not a reason to ignore the number of issues we need to address well as a team and franchise in the off season.

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